Friday, August 10, 2007

I've a Warrant for my Arrest


So I know that i have flat out stopped updating this thing. my apologies, but i dont think that i broke any hearts by my laziness. i have been quite busy in the past few weeks saying goodbye to all my boys at the ranch (not as in offspring, as in boys i have a ministry with) and to the staff and Troy and Kim. Put lightly, it has been a very, very hard final two weeks. There is much that has happened and i plan on telling you, but not through the blog. i am heading home and will be on the mountain...at some point. i look forward to seeing you all there. before i go, i will update you on my legal status however.


This picture was taken a few days ago in the Deschutes county Courthouse. I had been nabbed by the pattywagon last week with a warrant for murder, in the third and second degree. I must confess, while i have been in Bend, i have killed several times. It all began when i was driving home from the ranch after a long day of messing things up, when all of the sudden a family of Quail decided it was time to cross the road. As i barrelled down the road at a cruising speed of about mach three, i saw momma leading five little quailettes and then daddy in the back. I didnt even put on the brake, im a born killer apparently. As i checked my review mirror, i saw the atrocity that i had just committed. i destroyed the family.

About a week later, i was driving home once more when a doe (a female deer) stepped elegantly into the road. i hit my brakes, in an attempt to dodge my dark destiny as an animal slayer. The doe saw my black car (and heart) and jumped into the safety of the woods. THUMP!!! once more i looked in the review mirror, this time to see that i had just sent Bambi on to the next life. i had seen him in the last moments of his life as he tried to make it across the road. he didnt know just what kind of a sicko was driving the car he watched his momma dodge. So i had now a running record of killing a family of quail and a fawn. awesome.

The father of Bambi (the little one that i bounced to heaven with my bumper) must have heard about my sin, because two weeks later i had a buck charge me while i was driving home. i was doing sixty and swerved to miss him. it looked as though he was going to make it, when at the last moment he turned his head into the car and left an antler scratch down the side. because of the speed of the car, i still probably gave him some severe brain damage, even though i just hit his antler.

So the Deschutes county police came after me. they broke into my appartment when i was sleeping and arrested me. i gave little fight. they took my mugshot (above) and were about to place me in jail when i broke free from an officer's grip and sprinted back to my car, the antianimal mobile. i took off for the border (between washington and oregon) and thus began my trip back home a few days early.

Ill be home soon, with the police on my tail....and by the way, i killed a rabbit in Wyoming during the middle of the night.

1 comment:

Will Whitmire said...

Apparently your story was intriguing because I put aside my studies in order to read it entirely.

Have a safe trip home. And may the force be with you.